tolaywaste | 18.

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[Alex is praying. He's in the chapel with his head bowed, like he's been since just after lunch, and he thinks he's gonna stay until dinner. It probably won't help in the grand scheme of things, but it's quiet here, and that's what he wants. Space to think. Or feel, maybe.]

[He woke up to a flood that drew the very worst memories of his life out of him, laid them on display for anyone at all to see, and now that the smoke is clearing he finds himself in mourning again. It's unexpected how much he misses Pietro, like a sharp pain between his ribs. He wasn't a brother, wasn't important in the same way that Ben or Sean or Armando are, but he was - is - important. He understood things implicitly, things about family that Alex doesn't like to explain.]

[So Alex isn't sure what he's praying for, exactly, other than Pietro's safety. Maybe his, maybe Anya's, maybe nothing in particular. All he knows for sure is he doesn't want to leave.]

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[Snow often visits the chapel herself and is on one of those regular visits when she finds Alex there by himself. It's an unusual sight for her to see him there and she hesitates. Perhaps she should give him space? Usually when something has happened, he's taking it out in the gym or CTS. Anything to work out the aggression.]

[But seeing him here, it's like the fight has gone out of him. Snow decides that she probably shouldn't be leaving him on his own right now unless he asks her to leave.]

[Snow walks over and sits close beside Alex. She says nothing, but she does take one of his hands in one of her own and places it in her lap.]

[He's a little startled at her touch. The last time she touched him like this was during that breach, when she took his hand to ground him, to make sure he knew that he was loved and safe. Is that all she means it to be now? A grounding touch.]

[He swallows. It's a distraction, at least. His heart's hammering, and maybe that's good enough.]

[He squeezes her hand lightly, a thank you. A please don't go.]

[Snow glances over at him when she feels the light squeeze to her hand. She wishes that she had the right words to say that would somehow ease anything that he's currently going through or thinking, but she knows words fall incredibly short in the face of loss.

[She remembers how many times people told her that her mother was watching her from heaven after her death as though that was somehow supposed to ease the pain she felt.]

[It didn't tell Snow anything she didn't already know. It didn't make having her mother so far away from her and out of her reach any less painful.]

[But she also remembers how much she wished there was someone to say that to her after her father died.]

Alex, I... [She frowns a little and looks down at his hand in hers. It just seems so wrong to Snow to say she's sorry.] I just want you to know, that I'm here. If you ever need me.

[He would have taken a sorry, if she'd offered it. But really, this is better. It's more genuine, more true. More real. She can't really offer sorrow here and now. Compassion, she can.]

[The smile that passes across his face is real and true, if bittersweet. She's here. There's always the possibility that she'll disappear, but for now - for now they're both here. It's the best thing he could ask for.]

I know. [He squeezes her hand again.] I know. I was going to come to you, later. I just - had to think for a while. About everything. But I wasn't avoiding you.

[He pauses for a moment, then adds tentatively:] Do you believe in God?

[Snow nods a little, saying softly:]

I do.

It hasn't always been easy to. I know most tend to turn towards God and their faith in times of crisis, but...after my mother became sick and my father died...

[She shakes her head.]

I couldn't understand it. I thought maybe I had done something wrong or that God had abandoned me, abandoned Tabor. I was so angry with Him for so long.

I never stopped praying though.

I prayed every night, every morning, and every meal even when I thought it was falling on deaf ears. But I came to realize, that was the one thing that Ravenna could never take from me. She took away my father - the last of my family - and she took away my freedom while she ruined Tabor, but she couldn't take my hope away from me.

[Snow frowns a little and looks down at her lap.]

Ravenna did evil things, but she wasn't evil herself. The only thing she had left was her pain and power.

[She looks back up at Alex.]

I know it might sound strange, but if I had given up in believing in God and the belief there was a meaning behind the suffering she inflicted on herself and everyone around her, I never would have been able to forgive her for what she did. Holding onto that kind of anger turns into bitterness and hatred faster than any one person can realize. And if I had become that? [Snow shakes her head again.] I never would have forgiven myself.

[This, he thinks, is what makes her stronger than him. Though, when he thinks about it, maybe it's a different sort of strength. That's what Ben would say, at least. That they have different strengths, different weaknesses, different joys and sorrows. Different things that make them capable of - of leading.]

[He watches the soft, subtle expressions shift across her face, and he smiles. He's not sure he's ever been happier to know anyone. She has strength, even when strength seems impossible.]

It doesn't sound strange. Not at all. It just sounds true.

[He tries to find a way to express how brave she is, how good, how much better he feels just knowing that she could have faith even at a time like that, but of course he can't. Instead he tries to push it all through his smile and holds her hand in both of his.]

[After a moment, he adds:]

I believe in God. But I don't go to church anymore. There were moments that I didn't believe. In God or in people, either.

I've never lost faith in you, you know.

Edited 2013-09-19 03:19 (UTC)

[Snow flushes a little and smiles. It's not as though she's unused to compliments or unaware of her own personal strengths (as well as weaknesses), but there's something particular about the fact that it's Alex that says it to her. That he says it with such affection. It's that affection that's she's not accustomed to. Her gaze drops to their hands for a second.]

My only hope is that someday you will be able to say that of yourself.

[He watches her, chews the inside of his cheek as she looks away. Wonders if maybe he's done something wrong, something to upset her. But she's smiling.]

[He squeezes her hand.]

I'll always have had . . . moments, I guess. When I didn't believe in myself. I can't wash those away. But maybe there'll be a day when doubt doesn't come back.

[After a moment's pause, he grins, ducks his head.]

Your hope's probably done bigger things than that, honestly. So we'll see, huh?

[Snow smiles a little wider at his grin.]

We shall. And I will be the first person to tell you 'I told you so.'

You just had best not use the excuse that I'm so often right to not tell me as much.

I'll tell you. I tell you stuff.

[He does! Usually. Mostly. Except not about feelings. He nudges her with his shoulder.]

You can even gloat. You know. If you want.

[Snow laughs softly, glancing down for a moment before her gaze returns to his.]

I might.

I'm okay with it.

[And maybe he's looking at her overlong now, at least he feels like he is; after a minute he blinks and goes a little red around the ears before he clears his throat and faces forward again.]

I feel all right now. [Which sounds awkward but he doesn't know how else to put it, that maybe they should go somewhere else, or he should, or . . . he doesn't know.]

[Snow nods a little, unsure of what he means at first. When it sinks in, she flushes a little and averts her eyes.]

[She opens her mouth to say something, looking at him again before she closes it.]

[Snow smiles a little at herself because she feels awkward and foolish. She imagines he probably feels the same way. And Snow is certain that's a good thing. That's the way it's supposed to be when you care about someone the way she cares for him and the way she hopes he cares for her.]

[She knows this is probably not the appropriate place, but it is the right time. And if there is one thing that Snow has learned, it's to appreciate moments like these when they occur. Because there's no telling if you will have something like that again.]

[She doesn't hesitate any longer. Snow leans forward, pressing a small and soft kiss to Alex's lips.]

[It's not the right place, no, but in a way Alex isn't surprised. There's a part of him that thinks, for the briefest of seconds, that he shouldn't. But he doesn't want to think about shouldn't anymore.]

[She's strong and kind and believes in him, and he believes in her, and when he kisses her back he's smiling. It's not that he takes strength from her; it's that she gives it freely, and he gives it back. And right now he feels very strong. Like no matter what, they can both get through anything.]

[After a moment, he leans his forehead against hers, eyes shut, still smiling. He doesn't say anything at all, just squeezes her hand gently in both of his.]

[It's strange to think how quickly one can get swept away in the what if's when allowing for every possible outcome to creep into one's mind. Foresight as a queen is something good, of course. It allows for proper hesitation; to weigh every option and think of each consequence easily.]

[It's even easier to brush all of that aside.]

[Because when Snow is around Alex, she's not a queen. She's just a girl in the budding stages of something more with a boy which is always confusing and complicated. But the excitement, the thrill, the sense of belonging, all of that far outweighs any sense of discomfort. Nervous butterflies just become small tickles that bring a smile to her face and that insecurity blends into trust for him.]

[She isn't worried about what it all ultimately means, what can or might happen. She's just glad for the moment she has with him. She's pleased by the smile she felt against her lips and the gentle hold on her hand.]

[Without opening her eyes and barely above a whisper, she says,]

We probably shouldn't stay here, Alex.

[There are a thousand tiny things about her that cause Alex to wonder, that paralyze him in disbelief and awe that she's real, that she's here, that someone like her can exist at all. The parts of him that don't feel good enough are swept away in her presence as he feels wisps of her hair brush his face, her breath on his skin as she speaks.]

[Seconds slide past before he realizes yes, she's spoken, and yes, it's to him; she wants to go somewhere else, but he's not sure he can move, he's too content. Tired, beaten down, but for the moment, content.]

Where-- [He swallows, tries again.] Where're you taking me, then?

[It's more or less a joke, feeble and quiet and gentle, the best he can do with his heart going a hundred miles an hour and everything moving molasses-slow at the same time.]

[There's a small puff of laughter. She places a hand to his cheek, a gentle smile at his warmth.]

Am I to steal you away then? I thought perhaps you might come with me to the gardens.

[It's difficult enough to find the will to move even for Snow. She's content here so close to him. But she realizes there are probably better places for staying this close to one another.]

[At the very least, the gardens are close.]

I thought that was the idea. A, uh, friendly kidnapping.

[He blinks rapidly at the touch of her hand on his cheek and looks down, then at the door.]

Gardens are good.

[And then he's taking her hand and pulling her up, not trying all that hard not to grin. She's right. It's time to go.]

[Snow lets him pull her to her feet, but she takes the lead out of the chapel.]

Good though I don't think it matters. Most kidnappers don't really care for opinions about where they're headed.

[But also, Snow doesn't really mind where she goes right now. As long as it's with Alex, she's okay with it.]

I might be a considerate kidnapper.

[He has no issue following behind her. He's sure she knows what she's doing better than he does. At this point, he doesn't bother disguising his joy, either, his awe of her, or the ridiculous smile on his face.]

[She laughs both at his words and the smile on his face. She has not seen him smile like that in quite some time and it's a refreshing familiar sight to see.]

Does such a thing even exist?

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