"GOOD EVENING, MOVIE-GOERS. I AM MNEMOSYNE, YOUR GUIDE FOR THIS EVENING.

AS YOU CAN SEE, WE HAVE SEVERAL CONCESSIONS FOR YOU. PLEASE PARTAKE IN THE CONCESSIONS, BUT DO NOT MAKE A MESS. THE THEATER ROBOTS HAVE BEEN PROGRAMMED TO TAKE ACTION FOR LITTERING.

TONIGHT'S FILMS ARE THE MUCH LAUDED AND CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED FILMS HAND-PICKED BY JULIUS VINCERE:

MY PETITE EQUESTRIAN EXPERIENCE RATED A

LARGE ADVENTURER 7 RATED B

THE RETALIATORS: ERA OF RADICALON RATED C

DECEASE HARDER II RATED D

YARD-DOOR PEOPLE OF QUESTIONABLE MORALS RATED Z

PLEASE MAKE YOUR SELECTION AT THE BOOTHS IN THE FRONT OF THE LOBBY THEN FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS TO THE APPROPRIATE THEATER. THANK YOU AND ENJOY YOUR EVENING."

[ 0000 ] MY PETITE EQUESTRIAN EXPERIENCE - RATED A

Advertised as a delightful tale of ponies discovering magic and friendship, this is a must-see! For adults that is. The ponies are killed within the first ten minutes, and then the rest of the run time is filled with a celebratory orgy of Roman-esque proportions. There are no mentions of ponies after the initial scene. They are neither seen nor mourned nor heard from. There are only naked, gyrating bodies as far as the eye can see.

If you manage to sit through the horror long enough, you will notice a certain something in between the moaning. Is that your face on one of the protags? Is it a beloved family member or a friend? You will find that spliced between the scenes are cherished and innocent childish memories now being soiled by passionate cries of pleasure. Enjoy the new memory, your poor, sweet summer child. This will only be visible to the viewer himself/herself.

[ 0000 ] LARGE ADVENTURER 7 - RATED B

A touching tale of dealing with loss and more loss. This film is about a giant robot and his pet human that gets eradicated in the Third Robotic Genocide, leaving behind just a human carcass. The giant robot clings to the carcass and cries robotic tears until finally he chucks the carcass into a river full of carcasses and decides to go on a deep quest in search of cheese.

But spliced between this tale of woe, viewers will see images of themselves caught in a romantic memory. A first kiss, perhaps? A first love-making session? A first crush? A desired one will also have their face molded on top of all the carcasses as they flow away. This will only be visible to the viewer himself/herself.

[ 0000 ] THE RETALIATORS: ERA OF RADICALON - RATED C

Agent Dick Angry takes it upon himself to assemble a team of miscreant aliens to invade the hell out of "Planet Earth." The aliens include Zorn, an intelligent toaster; Crisis, a blue-skinned beauty that turns purple when she's aroused; Trish, a rogue miniature ficus with a criminal record; and General Cerealia, a handsome, ripped man who beats evil-doers with his laptop and who looks suspiciously like CERES' programmer, Elias.

This adventurous romp will feature the tragic memories of death interweaving with the destruction of the "Planet Earth." Those who attend will see first-hand the memories of their own worlds slowly being demolished before their eyes and all their loved ones screaming in agony. Then it'll loop itself again and again for the last hour of the film. Enjoy! This will only be visible to the viewer himself/herself.

[ 0000 ] DECEASE HARDER II - RATED D

Jack McJack is a cop who is having none of your shit. In this action film, he will ride around on a velociraptor and go around punching evil-doers and detonating them with land mines. If you want all the violence in the world, this is the film for you. Watch as every second is filled with pointless explosions and every curse word in all the known languages in Cerealia.

Of course, spliced between every action scene will be every embarrassing moment of your life being played out for you and only you. Or is it? Start sweating and looking in every direction as you begin to wonder if everyone else can see that time you tripped and fell on your senpai almost kissing him (sacre bleu D= !)

[ whyo'clock ] YARD-DOOR PEOPLE OF QUESTIONABLE MORALS - RATED Z

This is a touching film about tenderness and coming together to overcome obstacles and achieve greatness. The Yard-Door people run into danger when an evil megalord starts polluting the air with negative feelings. The Yard-Door people must band together and save the world through kindness. They will go and help their neighbors get across the street, rake up leaves from their lawns, donate canned food to the poor, and collect toys for children who do not have any.

While this film will draw tears from your eyes, you will see happy memories. The happiest that can be mustered. They will be spliced in with the scenes in the movie, occurring side-by-side with all the smiles and fuzzy feelings leaking off the screens. This will only be visible to the viewer himself/herself.

Also, beware! This film contains the angriest of Theater Cleaning Robots. Dropping anything on the floor will result in a bit of a flogging with a wooden paddle and a robot calling you a dirty slut and claiming that you like it. Yes, BDSM robots will not take your bad behavior. You better bend over and start apologizing for being such a filthy, little theater-goer.