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01 [Text]

[If there's one thing Bro doesn't like, it's being tossed into an unexpected situation. SBURB had been filled with that sort of thing, but this place clearly isn't much better. Even after gathering some information about Hinoto-Ri, he continues to be filled with restlessness because he didn't get the answer he wanted most of all. No choice but to address the local network, then.]

sup kiddies. listen up. i got separated from my flock.

if you know what sburb is? drop me a line here. if youve been to skaia? drop me a line. if your name is dave strider? youre grounded. and drop me a line too i guess.

btw. i have a mad hankering for doritos. plz tell me they have doritos here. will not accept shitty poser brands. and maybe some orange soda.

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Heard through the grapevine that someone else by the name of Dirk Strider showed up in town but I sure as shit don't have a Jr., and my only Bro has been dead for a long time now.

So that begs the question: who the hell are you?

one. i could ask you that same damn question.

two. the grapevine is fucking wrong. i dont go by the name of dirk. its bro.

three. any smartass who gets the bright idea to call me dirk? is begging for a can of whoopass.

four. what the hell. why do you have a dead bro? when i was your age i didnt have a bro period.

five. orange text? really?

Whatever floats your fucking boat, Bro. Notice the way I don't adopt your sophomoric rhetorical numbering shit, by the way. And orange text is boss, proverbial haters gonna hate.

My Bro is dead because an aquatic alien bitch took over the world in the guise of Betty Crocker and he died fighting her after beheading Guy Fieri a few centuries before I was "born". Yeah, it's fucked up.

So whose "Bro" are you, then?

did you pick the orange because you like it or because you wanna piss people off with blinding colors? i could see it going both ways.

fucked up is understatement of the year. what the hell am i even reading. youd think aquatic alien bitches could pick nicer disguises. but props to your bro for beheading guy fieri. he lived the dream.

pay attention whizzkid. its dave.

A little of both, in the eternal paradox of ironic fixation to piss people off and genuine like of the color. As a Strider I'm guessing you understand.

Yeah, shit reads like a strung-out Martha Stewart spreading bad rumors about her competition, but where I come from we're unfortunate in that way. And yeah, I'm with you on the Fieri bit-- frosty-tipped bastard had it coming.

Dave was my Bro's name. Dave Strider, filmmaker, creator of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff. Heard of him? Any relation? This warped Parent Trap thing just gets weirder and weirder.

as a strider i hereby salute this multitask decision. for real. i am legit saluting right now.

you wanna talk about weird? hearing theres some teeny version of you around whose big bro is your lil bro. its like. how the fuck is that even a thing? i feel like im in the goddamn twilight zone or some shit.

At ease, Bro. This shit is the Twilight Zone's lascivious wet dream.

So Dave is your brother, too.

I'm beginning to suspect that there's some alternate-universe crap at work here. Like someone remixed our family shit. You live in a world without the Crockpocalypse and where Dave is younger than you, so I'm guessing you must be in the late 2000s, timeline wise. It sounds weird, even by my standards, but we might be the same person from alternate realities. Not sure if you believe the multiverse theory, but that seems like the logical conclusion. This is too fucking creepy to be coincidence.

[Remixed family shit... Alternate realities... He has a suspicion of what might've caused that, but hell if he knows if it would even work like that. The reset of the universe- the Scratch.]

ok so. i got a theory. its crazy bullshit but considering the crazy bullshit circumstances id say it fits.

so answer me this. you got three internet buddies to play a videogame with?

Yeah. Know anyone by the name of Lalonde, English, or Crocker? Well, Crocker is crocker. But yeah. We started playing but instead of ending up in the medium I woke up here.

i know lalonde but no english or crocker. only egbert and harley. but i guess that makes sense. if the old folks got switched the grandkids probably inherited different last names.

[And holy fuck his alternate self is a SBURB hero. Hot damn. Who would the three companions be? Logically, all the babies got switched around, but that's no guarantee the family ties are the same. Lalondes might've been switched with Egberts and such. ...Shit, this whole thing is just asking for a headache.]

that lalonde pal of yours. she a pa blonde with hips that dont lie? possibly going by the name of roxy?

Yeah, Roxy. Rogue of Void. Blonde, into wizards and sciency shit, a slightly unhealthy relationship with vodka. Sound like your Roxy? Her mom's name was Rose, but she died back when my bro did, they were in the resistance together.

yeah thats the one. sounds like the lalondes got swapped too. big chance the egberts and harleys pulled another switcheroo.

my condolences with your selection of sburb buddies. youre in for one hell of a ride.

btw. dave was in a resistance? my withered little raisin of a heart is swelling with pride. even if he wasnt the dave i raised. dave is dave.

Just so you don't completely give up on that raisin of yours, our SBURB title? Prince of Heart. Sounds sort of crappy but I've been told it's more akin to "destroyer of souls", so that's cool.

I don't know much about the Egberts and Harleys, but I know what historical records tell me. Harley started her own company to compete with the Condy (the Batterbitch) and took her grandson Jake with her to live on an island in the middle of the Pacific somewhere. Jane's grandpa was left in Crocker's hands, and he became a famous comedian/prankster and was apparently a pretty decent dude, despite his family ties. Both of them died, too, if you're wondering.

Dave was a famous director, dude. He had Oscars and shit for the SBAHJ series, and got his shades from Ben Stiller himself. He put subliminal anti-Crocker messages in his work, and Rose did the same with her books. The two of them took out Guy Fieri and the guys from ICP. I never got to know him, but I heard he was pretty fucking amazing. Sorta jealous you got to hang out with him so much, all I have is movies and interviews and shit.

I know SBURB is going to be a challenge, but I've got everything under control. You should have seen the shit I had to pull to get everyone into the medium in the first place.

destroyer of souls sounds cool enough. i can dig that.

holy fuck your dave is awesome. its like what my dave wouldve turned out to be if sburb hadnt fucked our lives over. he had a hella promising future ahead of him. i dont even know what hes gonna grow up to be now. knight of time in an alien world or some bullshit.

its like. ok so hes a chosen hero who can manipulate time and shit. thats cool. but getting oscars because his shitty webcomic got turned into shitty movies? brings tears to my eyes.

[It's not that he's not proud of his own Dave, because he is. He just wishes the kid could've had a normal life instead of being sucked into an assbackwards alien world to fight for some greater destiny. The Medium is a hella dangerous place. Bro should know, he died there.]

Yeah, my Bro is awesome. I wish I'd had a chance to get to know him.

I don't know what happens to the heroes after the game ends, but there's a chance that he'll be able to find some sort of life for himself in the new world. We may still have shitty movies being made yet.

[Looking at Dirk's words, he's not sure which of the two of them is better off. The one who got to raise Dave for thirteen years and was then forcefully taken out of his life, or the one who never got to meet Dave at all.]

shitty movies and more. im seeing shitty videogames based on shitty novels based on shitty movies. with shitty merchandise. thatd be hella dope.

Heh, I'd love to see that.

Hey, where are you at? I could use a good Strife practice, and I'd like to meet you if person.

right now im settling into my new crib. man. this place is severely lacking in stuff and shit. needs more weapons. more puppets. more everything.

and an ironic welcome mat. definitely gotta get me one of those. its pisces 6-05 btw.

Bro, I'm in Pisces 6-03, down the hall.

yeah i know. apparently theres an apartment listing that updates pretty much immediately.

so are you coming over or what?

[There is a prompt knock on Bro's door.]

[Now that's some genuine Strider timing, right there. The door swings open within a second, revealing a tall and luscious Bro. Despite having died and then magically traversed worlds only an hour or two ago, he looks just like he always does, baseball cap covering spiky blonde hair and pointy shades hiding his orange eyes from view.

Lil Cal is slung over his shoulder like the puppet's receiving a piggyback ride. Worth noting is that while Bro looks great, Cal was obviously torn to bits and then sewn back together with obvious white thread, giving him a rather Frankensteiny appearance. There's only so much Bro could do to fix his little buddy inside the Medium.

Goddammit, it's like he's seeing what he saw in the mirror over fifteen years ago. This is weird.]

Sup.

[Dirk stands in the doorway, his own less-tattered Cal draped over his shoulder and his shitty unbreakable sword clutched in one hand. He has to look up a few inches to meet Bro's eyes, but he's got plenty of growing to do, and as it stands he's not short by most peoples' standards. It's strange, seeing himself broader, older, wearing an actual hat instead of ironically donning a picture of one. And what happened to Cal? Well, at least his bro was a universal constant. Cal is the shit.]

Hey.

[He stands there, silent but for the shaded eye contact, for a few moments. Not every day you get to meet an alternate universe version of yourself.

Of course, for a first meeting of Striders, there's definitely something missing. The shadow of a smirk passes Dirk's lips as he draws his katana to strike out at Bro, as is the customary Strider greeting. Bro's got brawn and probably speed going for him, as well as experience, but he'd like to see just what sort of skills a softer life has left his incarnation with.]

[Customary Strider greeting, indeed. As Dirk draws his katana, Bro does the same. An identical move, right down to the blade itself. Like Cal, the unbreakable katana is a universal constant as well. It's nice to see that some things don't change, regardless of 'batterwitches' and not-so-distant futures.

The two blades meet with a metallic clang as he deflects Dirk's attack. Strifing in the middle of a hallway is probably not the smartest thing to do, but Bro doesn't give a shit about what's smart. He just does what feels right. Careful Dirk, he's flashstepping into the hall so he can have some more open space to move around in.]

[So similar, down to reflexes and idiosyncratic movements, and down to the fact that this is considered a completely appropriate way to meet someone. What better way to discern someone's character than how they deal with an assault, though? It's telling.

There's something fond in his chest to see that they even have the same sword. Dirk wonders where Bro's came from, if he got his from Dave as well.

They separate and flashstep into the hallway.]

Roof?

Yesss Hey there Bro! -brofist-

-brofist!-

-brofist!- So happy to have these two sassing each other.

If there's too much sass here the city may implode.

We've got some serious sassive aggression going on here.

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Lol I love these idiots they are the best.